By: An Anonymous 9th Grader
Sulfur or Sulphur is a mineral, and a renowned chemical added in shampoos and also one of the various items I strongly loathe. Search sulfur on google, and you’ll find numerous articles on its benefits, its properties, and weird websites to buy a whole gallon of it. But why hasn’t anyone ever gone ahead and made an article on its odor? Its horrible, disgusting, sickening, revolting, putrid, and thoroughly repulsive. Here is where my rhetorical rant begins. I’ll warn in the beginning, these five sentences you’ve read are the only ones you’ll probably comprehend in this whole thing. And the mineral doesn’t have a gender, I’m just using “he” as a placeholder for that part.
Sulfur stinks so much it should be banned from this planet. I hope that Voldemort rises back just to finish all the sulfur there is in this world instead of Mudbloods. There should be a Death Star made just to eliminate sulfur, and I will be the Sith Lord. And I will off more sulfur than Jedi knights ever were. I will scream at sulfur long stories on how sand is annoying and drive him to madness. I will make sure his house flooring is replaced with Lego blocks so he can feel the pain that I had at the age of 4 even if he has a hardness of 7 on the Moh’s scale. I hope sulfur never gets his diploma and gets an overall GPA of -56.3. I will admit him into college illegally and see him fail in there as well so he can know he is a failure. I will go destroy sulfur in front of his family and then destroy his family and take all his mom’s perfume and then drain it into Kylo Ren’s water jug and blame it on sulfur. So that Kylo Ren gets angry and helps me vanquish sulfur as well. Someone should go to his home and chew out all his gum and put it back in the packaging and also get all his paper clips and straight them out so he can never put papers together. I will take all pins from his stapler so he can never staple anything and have his house a mess. I will release spiders into his toilet paper and his jacket pockets. Darth Maul should come to his nightmares and scare him with his pointy horns and terrifying facepaint. Barbie brushes should be replaced as a floor in his kitchen so he can never eat and starve. He should be forced to watch the Star Wars holiday special every day 60 times. He should have all his bookshelves filled with the Twilight series so he will have no literature to read other than sparkly vampires. I hope that Fenrir Greyback bites sulfur so he can feel the pain of having to go through being a wolf every month. I hope he visits the Grand Canyon one day and falls down to the river streaming below.
Phew! You get a huge gold star if you read through all of this. Ironically, there is a website I found a few days ago discussing how sulfur is a great mineral to bring balance to your emotions. I believe I just proved that entirely false.